The "Neuss"Paper
Satire Page
Please Read: None of the stories in this section are true or real. They are for entertainment purposes and should NEVER be taken seriously.
Life's a Beach: Corona Virus is Here Jacob Westerman
As more facts are coming out about the Coronavirus, it is easier to gauge how big of an impact this is going to have on our world. Is the collapse of society imminent? Should we start building nuclear shelters? Will Modelo run out of Corona Extra? While it’s impossible to predict the future, we can look at the trends and see what the outcome of this debacle will be. It's Corona time, ladies and gentlemen, so pour some cough syrup and get your surgical masks ready.
When looking at the severity of the virus, it becomes apparent that this isn't a new bubonic plague. While the World Health Organization has deemed this a global emergency, they have warned the virus is deadliest to the elderly and those with previous conditions, which is odd considering this is supposed to be a virus. Isn't it supposed to be deadly? The virus is raising more questions than answers, but one is sticking out more than the rest.
The Coronavirus is in the same viral family as SARS, which was a massive epidemic that had a high mortality rate and was easy to spread. It was considered the first major outbreak of the 21st century, and required swift action to prevent the total collapse of society as we know it. Point is, the Coronavirus has the potential to be a devastating virus, and with its origin in China, it has become scarier than SARS. Why is this? Well the virus is airborne, which automatically makes it more dangerous, but since there are so many people in China, the virus has room to grow. After each infection, there is a chance the virus could mutate, making it even deadlier. The WHO and CDC have warned us of the nature of the virus, but again, something just isn't adding up.
Then you look at all the connections. The CORONAvirus? The fact that it originated in the most populous place on Earth? It is based on another, highly contagious, deadly virus? Oh, and there were major pharmaceutical labs in Wuhan, right next to ground zero of the virus. Ladies and Gentlemen, what we are dealing with here is a manufactured plague to wipe out the populace and begin a new world order. Now you are probably thinking that I am crazy, but hear me out. This ‘Coronavirus’ was recently found to be susceptible to alcohol, and that consuming alcohol actually helped stop the virus. Hmmm, is it just me, or is there a type of alcohol that comes to mind right now. That's right, Modelo’s Corona Extra, a filling and nice tasting beverage for your everyday Joe. Then it occured to me. This WAS a man made virus, but not just a mad scientist that accidentally leaked it, no, this was much bigger. This was the world's deadliest advertisement by the Modelo group in an attempt to create record breaking Corona Extra sales.
The only plan I could think of was that the Modelo group had seen the decline in sales late last year. They had tried their best with conventional advertising, but no luck. They had to think outside of the box. Then, something happened. The group had set up an Antarctic expedition in an attempt to find the purest ice in the world. This was a back up plan, but their researchers found something there instead of ice. A frozen virus, kept secret from the world until now. Then, the maniacs decided to weaponize it. If they could make humanity panic, then have the virus spread, people would be forced to seek an antidote. And low and behold, that antidote would be a refreshing glass of Corona Extra. It was brilliant, but it backfired. Someone in Wuhan, where they were storing the virus got careless, and accidentally leaked the virus before they were ready. Luckily for us, we have modern day medicine, and soon a way to treat the disease will be created. For now, however, all we can do is wait and wash our hands.
When looking at the severity of the virus, it becomes apparent that this isn't a new bubonic plague. While the World Health Organization has deemed this a global emergency, they have warned the virus is deadliest to the elderly and those with previous conditions, which is odd considering this is supposed to be a virus. Isn't it supposed to be deadly? The virus is raising more questions than answers, but one is sticking out more than the rest.
The Coronavirus is in the same viral family as SARS, which was a massive epidemic that had a high mortality rate and was easy to spread. It was considered the first major outbreak of the 21st century, and required swift action to prevent the total collapse of society as we know it. Point is, the Coronavirus has the potential to be a devastating virus, and with its origin in China, it has become scarier than SARS. Why is this? Well the virus is airborne, which automatically makes it more dangerous, but since there are so many people in China, the virus has room to grow. After each infection, there is a chance the virus could mutate, making it even deadlier. The WHO and CDC have warned us of the nature of the virus, but again, something just isn't adding up.
Then you look at all the connections. The CORONAvirus? The fact that it originated in the most populous place on Earth? It is based on another, highly contagious, deadly virus? Oh, and there were major pharmaceutical labs in Wuhan, right next to ground zero of the virus. Ladies and Gentlemen, what we are dealing with here is a manufactured plague to wipe out the populace and begin a new world order. Now you are probably thinking that I am crazy, but hear me out. This ‘Coronavirus’ was recently found to be susceptible to alcohol, and that consuming alcohol actually helped stop the virus. Hmmm, is it just me, or is there a type of alcohol that comes to mind right now. That's right, Modelo’s Corona Extra, a filling and nice tasting beverage for your everyday Joe. Then it occured to me. This WAS a man made virus, but not just a mad scientist that accidentally leaked it, no, this was much bigger. This was the world's deadliest advertisement by the Modelo group in an attempt to create record breaking Corona Extra sales.
The only plan I could think of was that the Modelo group had seen the decline in sales late last year. They had tried their best with conventional advertising, but no luck. They had to think outside of the box. Then, something happened. The group had set up an Antarctic expedition in an attempt to find the purest ice in the world. This was a back up plan, but their researchers found something there instead of ice. A frozen virus, kept secret from the world until now. Then, the maniacs decided to weaponize it. If they could make humanity panic, then have the virus spread, people would be forced to seek an antidote. And low and behold, that antidote would be a refreshing glass of Corona Extra. It was brilliant, but it backfired. Someone in Wuhan, where they were storing the virus got careless, and accidentally leaked the virus before they were ready. Luckily for us, we have modern day medicine, and soon a way to treat the disease will be created. For now, however, all we can do is wait and wash our hands.
Trinity: Ballard's Kryptonite Jacob Westerman
As one of the oldest High Schools in JCPS, Ballard has a storied sports program that includes basketball, football. baseball, and more. Ballard has played in almost all levels of sports in Kentucky, and even taken state championships in several programs. However, the biggest problem facing the program today has plagued us for decades, even hundreds of years if you believe the rumors.
It seems that Ballard’s Kryptonite is the Trinity Shamrocks, who, no matter the odds, always seem to take down the Bruins. Looking into this phenomenon, it became clear something was going on behind the scenes, and I was going to find out what it was.
I first talked to some of the current players for Ballard, and tried to see what happens during their games against Trinity. I went to the football practice after school and spoke to three unnamed seniors, having the most experience playing against the shamrocks. One senior told me that they prepare for weeks, but as soon as they step on the field, they feel uneasy and sick to their stomachs. I took notes, more interested now than ever. Next up was basketball, whose players shared similar sentiments. Unfortunately, no one had any hard evidence of anything happening, so I was operating on their word only. At this point, I had to take my search to the coaches, who might have more insight into the matter. This is where it got crazy. I approached three coaches, and the first two ran at the mention of Trinity. Confused, I was on my way out of the building when I was pulled aside by a hooded man, who handed me a slip of paper, then walked away. I opened the letter to reveal a message, only reading,
“1974 Ballard football season, look out.”
I shuddered reading the cryptic message, contorting my face into a look of shock and awe. This was my Golden Ticket, my way out of this story. So I made my way home, thinking of what could have happened that year. As I got out of my car, I couldn't shake the feeling of being watched. Cautiously, I opened my laptop and googled the note, finding the records of Ballard’s 1974 football season. There was only one result, a photocopy of a partially torn paper, showing the win loss record. It looked like Ballard was having an almost perfect season, winning nearly every game, except one blemish. Last game of the season, there was an L where a W should have been. Intrigued, I zoomed in and my jaw dropped seeing the word next to the box. Who had beaten the unbeaten team. Well, it was no other than the Trinity Shamrocks. I recoiled in my seat, and then looked up Trinity’s record that year as well. It appeared as though they had lost every game EXCEPT the Ballard game.
I knew what I had to do next. I grabbed my best button down shirt, a tie, some khakis, and my sperry’s, then headed to Trinity High School. I waited across the street for an old friend to leave, then told him to meet me. It was hard, but I was able to get his pass and the location of the school’s head football coach. Anxiously racing through the halls, I finally came upon the coach's office, and did the only thing I could. Knocked on the door. After a few moments, the chamber was unsealed, revealing a pretty modest room actually, with a few trophies here and there, and a stack of papers lining the desk. I then revealed my true identity, and began to plead my case, begging to know the secret he held. I was beginning to cry, trying to pull on his heart strings, when he told me to be quiet and that he would show me. I wiped away the tears, anxiously awaiting the holy grail, when he turned around, opened a cabinet drawer, and pulling out a scroll, encapsulated in an ornate ceramic case. There were engravings all over the case, maybe in some other language, but cryptic for sure. He told me I would find the answers in that scroll, but that I wouldn't like what I found. I told him it was ok, and popped the lid off, and pulling out the almost crumbling script held inside. I had been waiting for this moment for days, and I slowly unraveled the paper, a smile on my face. But that smile would quickly fade, as the paper was blank, nothing was on it. I gasped, looked up, and said,
“What are you trying to pull here?!”
He then told me, “For generations, each coach has been handed that, and told it was the key to this program, to winning. Don’t you see, there is no special thing making us win, we win with our hearts.”
Dejected, I walked out of the office, returning to school the next day disappointed that I couldn’t solve our greatest mystery. The true prize was the people I met and the things I learned along the way.
On an unrelated note, it seems that someone had put laxatives in the Ballard players water before the Trinity game, although this could be just a coincidence.
It seems that Ballard’s Kryptonite is the Trinity Shamrocks, who, no matter the odds, always seem to take down the Bruins. Looking into this phenomenon, it became clear something was going on behind the scenes, and I was going to find out what it was.
I first talked to some of the current players for Ballard, and tried to see what happens during their games against Trinity. I went to the football practice after school and spoke to three unnamed seniors, having the most experience playing against the shamrocks. One senior told me that they prepare for weeks, but as soon as they step on the field, they feel uneasy and sick to their stomachs. I took notes, more interested now than ever. Next up was basketball, whose players shared similar sentiments. Unfortunately, no one had any hard evidence of anything happening, so I was operating on their word only. At this point, I had to take my search to the coaches, who might have more insight into the matter. This is where it got crazy. I approached three coaches, and the first two ran at the mention of Trinity. Confused, I was on my way out of the building when I was pulled aside by a hooded man, who handed me a slip of paper, then walked away. I opened the letter to reveal a message, only reading,
“1974 Ballard football season, look out.”
I shuddered reading the cryptic message, contorting my face into a look of shock and awe. This was my Golden Ticket, my way out of this story. So I made my way home, thinking of what could have happened that year. As I got out of my car, I couldn't shake the feeling of being watched. Cautiously, I opened my laptop and googled the note, finding the records of Ballard’s 1974 football season. There was only one result, a photocopy of a partially torn paper, showing the win loss record. It looked like Ballard was having an almost perfect season, winning nearly every game, except one blemish. Last game of the season, there was an L where a W should have been. Intrigued, I zoomed in and my jaw dropped seeing the word next to the box. Who had beaten the unbeaten team. Well, it was no other than the Trinity Shamrocks. I recoiled in my seat, and then looked up Trinity’s record that year as well. It appeared as though they had lost every game EXCEPT the Ballard game.
I knew what I had to do next. I grabbed my best button down shirt, a tie, some khakis, and my sperry’s, then headed to Trinity High School. I waited across the street for an old friend to leave, then told him to meet me. It was hard, but I was able to get his pass and the location of the school’s head football coach. Anxiously racing through the halls, I finally came upon the coach's office, and did the only thing I could. Knocked on the door. After a few moments, the chamber was unsealed, revealing a pretty modest room actually, with a few trophies here and there, and a stack of papers lining the desk. I then revealed my true identity, and began to plead my case, begging to know the secret he held. I was beginning to cry, trying to pull on his heart strings, when he told me to be quiet and that he would show me. I wiped away the tears, anxiously awaiting the holy grail, when he turned around, opened a cabinet drawer, and pulling out a scroll, encapsulated in an ornate ceramic case. There were engravings all over the case, maybe in some other language, but cryptic for sure. He told me I would find the answers in that scroll, but that I wouldn't like what I found. I told him it was ok, and popped the lid off, and pulling out the almost crumbling script held inside. I had been waiting for this moment for days, and I slowly unraveled the paper, a smile on my face. But that smile would quickly fade, as the paper was blank, nothing was on it. I gasped, looked up, and said,
“What are you trying to pull here?!”
He then told me, “For generations, each coach has been handed that, and told it was the key to this program, to winning. Don’t you see, there is no special thing making us win, we win with our hearts.”
Dejected, I walked out of the office, returning to school the next day disappointed that I couldn’t solve our greatest mystery. The true prize was the people I met and the things I learned along the way.
On an unrelated note, it seems that someone had put laxatives in the Ballard players water before the Trinity game, although this could be just a coincidence.
New School Uniforms Aim to Promote Equality
Winston Smith
After a semester with virtually no dress code, the school administration has decided to implement a bold new policy that will pave the way for a better future for all students. No longer will Ballard's hallways be filled with students wearing yoga pants, halter tops, and sleeveless shirts. Instead, the halls will be filled with students wearing gray one-piece jumpsuits.
Taking inspiration from the Ingsoc government of Oceania, the new dress code will remind students that they are all equal in the eyes of the school administration. Students who come from wealthier backgrounds will no longer be able to flaunt their status by wearing expensive clothes. Furthermore, students will no longer distract others with their attire. Additionally, students can also no longer distract themselves with the need to be expressive or creative through fashion.
One school administrator who spoke under the condition of anonymity detailed the decision making process that led to the new uniform policy. "Honestly, we were torn between burlap sacks and the gray jumpsuits. Ultimately, we went with the jumpsuits because they're less itchy, and really a lot more fashionable. Our main concern is our students, obviously."
Some students are also excited about the new uniforms. "I personally hate trying to figure out what to wear in the morning, so the uniforms are going to make my life much easier now," said freshman Hap E. Diot. Some upperclassmen also agree, as senior Jacob Westerman commented, "I'm actually really excited to be forced into a conformist mindset. I think this will truly prepare me to be a willing cog in the machinery of society. If there's one thing my generation needs, it's to engage in more of a groupthink mentality. If we could just stop questioning and challenging the way things are, then maybe we could all live together more peacefully."
After a semester with virtually no dress code, the school administration has decided to implement a bold new policy that will pave the way for a better future for all students. No longer will Ballard's hallways be filled with students wearing yoga pants, halter tops, and sleeveless shirts. Instead, the halls will be filled with students wearing gray one-piece jumpsuits.
Taking inspiration from the Ingsoc government of Oceania, the new dress code will remind students that they are all equal in the eyes of the school administration. Students who come from wealthier backgrounds will no longer be able to flaunt their status by wearing expensive clothes. Furthermore, students will no longer distract others with their attire. Additionally, students can also no longer distract themselves with the need to be expressive or creative through fashion.
One school administrator who spoke under the condition of anonymity detailed the decision making process that led to the new uniform policy. "Honestly, we were torn between burlap sacks and the gray jumpsuits. Ultimately, we went with the jumpsuits because they're less itchy, and really a lot more fashionable. Our main concern is our students, obviously."
Some students are also excited about the new uniforms. "I personally hate trying to figure out what to wear in the morning, so the uniforms are going to make my life much easier now," said freshman Hap E. Diot. Some upperclassmen also agree, as senior Jacob Westerman commented, "I'm actually really excited to be forced into a conformist mindset. I think this will truly prepare me to be a willing cog in the machinery of society. If there's one thing my generation needs, it's to engage in more of a groupthink mentality. If we could just stop questioning and challenging the way things are, then maybe we could all live together more peacefully."
New Hallway Speed Limit for Students Erik Estrada
With only 4 minutes between each period, you can always count on a pack of wild students racing through the hallways across the sprawling floorplan that is Ballard High School. It is no uncommon sight to see kids literally in a full sprint, risking the safety of themselves and others, just to avoid a tardy slip (AKA "HERO" pass).
In order to address this issue, the school administration has decided to post "speed limits" in the hallways. From now on, the official speed limit in the hallway will be 1 mph. Security guards, such as Mr. Trager, will be equipped with radar detectors and if a student is flagged for "speeding" then they will be issued a "citation". In addition to radar detectors, security will also wear sweaters with police-style flashing lights and sirens, even equipped with a loudspeaker. "We feel like this is the right move," said Trager. "And, plus, now I'm ready for my ugly Christams sweater party.
Not every student is convinced this is worth the trouble, however. "I honestly don't see the problem with traversing a dangerous hallway. That prepares you for life. Sometimes you're minding your own business, going on about your day, and BLAM! somebody hockey checks you into a locker as they sprint to class. That just seems like an analogy for life," said senior Jack Siebenaler
Some students obviously don't take the new speed limit seriously, while others may be taking it way too seriously. Rumor has it that some freshmen are scheduled to have their bodies surgically altered to include tailfins and rear fenders.
In order to address this issue, the school administration has decided to post "speed limits" in the hallways. From now on, the official speed limit in the hallway will be 1 mph. Security guards, such as Mr. Trager, will be equipped with radar detectors and if a student is flagged for "speeding" then they will be issued a "citation". In addition to radar detectors, security will also wear sweaters with police-style flashing lights and sirens, even equipped with a loudspeaker. "We feel like this is the right move," said Trager. "And, plus, now I'm ready for my ugly Christams sweater party.
Not every student is convinced this is worth the trouble, however. "I honestly don't see the problem with traversing a dangerous hallway. That prepares you for life. Sometimes you're minding your own business, going on about your day, and BLAM! somebody hockey checks you into a locker as they sprint to class. That just seems like an analogy for life," said senior Jack Siebenaler
Some students obviously don't take the new speed limit seriously, while others may be taking it way too seriously. Rumor has it that some freshmen are scheduled to have their bodies surgically altered to include tailfins and rear fenders.
McDonald's Unveils the Invisible Burger Mason Scott
Muhammad Ali once said: “Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary. Impossible is nothing.” That’s why the McDonald's Research and Development team is debuting their revolutionary new product in Louisville, KY on October 15st, 2019. McDonald’s is taking aim at Burger King’s “Impossible” Whopper with its own invention, the Invisible Burger.
“The Invisible Burger is the perfect blend of taste sensations.” said Culinary Innovation Spokesperson for McDonald’s USA, Carol Martino, at a launch event whose attendees included the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, FBI director Chrisopher Asher Wray, and popular Philadelphia Flyers mascot and twitter personality Gritty. “The Invisible Burger constitutes the greatest paradigm shift in world history since the fall of the Soviet Union. Its implications for geopolitical thought and impact on the lives of everyday people are unprecedented.”
The intentions of McDonald’s in creating this innovative burger are unclear, however they are investing incredible amounts of money into the project. The marketing campaign for the Invisible Burger has been intense. Allegedly, popular hip hop artist Playboi Carti was paid to name-drop the Invisible Burger in a new single, but according to those familiar with the matter, the song was scrapped because the lyric namechecking the Burger was unintelligible. They have also sponsored artists to create billboards speculating about the true appearance of the Invisible Burger, with one depiction imagining the patty cut into the shape of Bruce Willis’ head.
Early tasters and focus groups have unanimously praised the Invisible Burger, which is styled as a zero fat lunch and dinner option. “It tastes like nothing [I’ve ever had],” says Jacob Westerman, one of the first people to try the Burger. Flavor engineer John Travolta Jr. is hopeful that the experience of eating an Invisible Burger will expand the minds of McDonald’s customers. “With the new Impossible Burger we tried to create a new bold and innovative flavor experience that will make you say ‘I’m lovin’ it’, even if you don’t know what ‘it’ is.”
“We have entered a new era of fast food,” says Martino. “McDonald’s sees the Invisible Burger as the essential element in a new world order of food.” The release comes just weeks after McDonald’s announced the launch of its own private standing army, the McMilitary, which will be faced with the monumental task of guarding the company’s invisible burger supplies.
“The Invisible Burger is the perfect blend of taste sensations.” said Culinary Innovation Spokesperson for McDonald’s USA, Carol Martino, at a launch event whose attendees included the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, FBI director Chrisopher Asher Wray, and popular Philadelphia Flyers mascot and twitter personality Gritty. “The Invisible Burger constitutes the greatest paradigm shift in world history since the fall of the Soviet Union. Its implications for geopolitical thought and impact on the lives of everyday people are unprecedented.”
The intentions of McDonald’s in creating this innovative burger are unclear, however they are investing incredible amounts of money into the project. The marketing campaign for the Invisible Burger has been intense. Allegedly, popular hip hop artist Playboi Carti was paid to name-drop the Invisible Burger in a new single, but according to those familiar with the matter, the song was scrapped because the lyric namechecking the Burger was unintelligible. They have also sponsored artists to create billboards speculating about the true appearance of the Invisible Burger, with one depiction imagining the patty cut into the shape of Bruce Willis’ head.
Early tasters and focus groups have unanimously praised the Invisible Burger, which is styled as a zero fat lunch and dinner option. “It tastes like nothing [I’ve ever had],” says Jacob Westerman, one of the first people to try the Burger. Flavor engineer John Travolta Jr. is hopeful that the experience of eating an Invisible Burger will expand the minds of McDonald’s customers. “With the new Impossible Burger we tried to create a new bold and innovative flavor experience that will make you say ‘I’m lovin’ it’, even if you don’t know what ‘it’ is.”
“We have entered a new era of fast food,” says Martino. “McDonald’s sees the Invisible Burger as the essential element in a new world order of food.” The release comes just weeks after McDonald’s announced the launch of its own private standing army, the McMilitary, which will be faced with the monumental task of guarding the company’s invisible burger supplies.